Psychologists and child behavior specialists can helpus tell the difference between ungrateful children from those who have been victims ofatoxic influence. For example, clinical psychologists Seth Meyers and Preston Niexplain how the actions ofthe parents can ruin the lives oftheir children. Onthe other hand, raising children isvery difficult and noone has the right tobejudgemental when itcomes tosomeone’s particular parenting style. But there’s avery fine line between mistakes that parents make and the inappropriate behavior oftoxic parents. This article can help determine and handle toxic situations that are harmful toour health.
Bright Side wants tofind out what actually affects aсhild’s psyche and how tohandle issues between parents and children.
10. “Beafraid ofmebut loveme.”
For toxic parents, anemotional attack issynonymous with love and attention. Insuch families, kids know how tofind out what mood their parents are inbythe sound ofdropped keys orbythe scrape offootsteps. Such children live inconstant fear and apprehension. These types oftoxic parents often get offended iftheir kind actions are treated with suspicion. They claim,"I’ve done everything for you and you’re still soungrateful."
9. “You must deal with adult problems, but you still have norights.”
Intoxic families, parents share their responsibilities with their children. For example, achild believes that it’s specifically their bad behavior that makes their father uncontrollable.
Later, children will get dragged into adult scandals. Teenagers will beforced tolisten totheir parents’ complaints, adjust toa“complicated situation,” put themselves intheir parents’ shoes, help, tolerate, and console. Unfortunately, inthese cases, children have noright toexpress their opinion.
8. “Bethe best, but don’t forget that you’re not special.”
Narcissistic parents expect their children toperform atthe highest level. However, all ofthe child’s achievements are taken for granted. Disparaging comments can truly ruin the lives ofchildren because itmakes them grow upbelieving that they’re always adisappointment totheir parents.
7. “Open uptome, but don’t besurprised atridicule.”
Toxic parents force their children tobesincere and sometimes even make them feel guilty ifthey don’t want toshare their feelings. Later, that same information isused against their children. There are 2ways this can happen:
- Relatives, neighbors, and other people are all aware ofwhatever the child has shared with their parents. And the parents really don’t see anything wrong with that.
- Achild gives their parents anopportunity toscold them ortoadd sarcastic comments.
6. “You’re bad, sodon’t even try tobecome better.”
The lower achild’s self-esteem is, the easier itistocontrol them. Toxic parents discuss their child’s failures and flaws and, inmost cases, they comment ontheir child’s appearance because it’s one ofthe touchiest subjects. Ifthere are no“obvious flaws,” they just make themup.
Such parents instill aninferiority complex intheir children and they don’t want tosee their child try new things and succeed. Toxic people don’t want tohave asuccessful child who demonstrates their willpower.
5. “Improve yourself and forget about your plans for the future.”
Parents want their children tosucceed but they don’t care how they’re going todoit. For example, they can expect their child tobuild asuccessful career just aslong asthey never leave the house.
Anarcissistic parent will get excited about their child’s achievements for only 2reasons:
- They enjoy boasting about their success sothat others envy them.
- Successful children guarantee abetter life for the parents.
Sometimes parents just remind children that there’s ahuge distance between them and their cherished goals.
4. “Follow myinstructions, but blame yourself ifyou fail.”
Inthis case, parents treat their child like anobject: they make their own plans and expect their children tofollow along. Bythe way, they don’t care about the consequences ofhaving such total control all the time. Ifsomething goes wrong, it’s not their fault.
3. “Goaway, but don’t leave mealone.”
Inhealthy families, parents help their kids move out and live their own life. Toxic parents never want tolet their children gobut they always point out that the house, the money, and the food belongs tothem. Any options orobjections from the children isignored insuch cases.
What dosuch parents really want? They want their obedient children tostay bytheir side!
2. “Accept our help, but stop exploitingus.”
These parents offer something that their children can actually dowithout but any refusal causes resentment. Achild starts thinking, “Myparents probably just want some company and want tofeel needed.” Sothey accept the help, thank the parents, and offer something inreturn. But there’s nohappy ending because the parents will always remind their children ofthat “favor” they did for them.
Kids turn into prisoners:
- Ifthey refuse their parents’ help. Children feel that it’s rude todecline arelative’s offer tohelp.
- Incase they accept their parents’ help. Children feel that they should begrateful totheir parents for their support and must beready tohelp atany moment.
1. “Trustme, but always keep aneye out.”
Private life? Personal space? Neither exist for children oftoxic parents.
Ifyou try torestrict access toyour personal territory, parents accuse you ofdistrust. Even your own apartment orhouse won’t protect agrown child since these types ofparents just use emergency spare keys. And their children must always answer all the questions— “Why didn’t you wash that cup?” or“Why did you waste money onthat rubbish?” Such parents have norespect for the lives and the personal decisions oftheir children.
How tohandle atoxic parent?
It’s rather difficult toget rid ofatoxic atmosphere— even for adults! Nevertheless, specialists have come upwith some tips that can helpus protect our personal boundaries and save arelationship. First, wehave torealize the following facts:
- Wecan’t change the past.
- Atoxic relationship islike achronic disease— it’s almost impossible tocure itsoyou have totry toavoid any complication.
Recommendations are based onthe understanding that each person has their own rights and needs that they shouldn’t beashamedof. You have the rightto:
- Live inyour own house and have your own rules.
- Take nopart inresolving issues ofother relatives.
- Limit access toyour territory.
- Gain your own experience and ignore your parents when they say “Iknow better.”
- Manage your resources: money, time, and effort.
- Choose your personal interests over those ofyour parents.
Wehave toremember: these rules are relevant for both “parties.” Children shouldn’t cut their parents out oftheir lives and take their help for granted.
What was itlike for you when you were growingup? Share your experiences withus inthe comments!
Please note: This article was updated in June 2022 to correct source material and factual inaccuracies.
Illustrated by Marat Nugumanov
for
Bright Side
